two dreams

1. T was dead. he wasn't killed or anything, just dead. i was back in alexandria. somebody, i don't remember who, told me that T had died. this person was close to both of us. that is all i can remember of them. i started to cry once i knew what they were saying. i did not believe them at first. for a second i could hear T call my name. once i heard him say my name i knew he was dead. i could not stop crying. i wasn't upset because he was dead, i was crying because he would never be able to tell me how he felt about me. he never told anybody how he felt about me either. there was no way to know. i wouldn't stop cyring. none of my friends understood why i wasn't upset at him being dead. they just couldn't get it that i wanted to know more than anything, if he ever cared about me, if he really did consider me his best friend, if he ever loved me.

2. i went back to my old high school. my friends were there to. mainly S and C. i had told C about the dream where T was dead. i then told her about how afraid i was of never knowing how he felt about me. C told me to check my phone. when i did there was a missed call from T. i waned to call him back but i was afraid that he wouldn't answer because i didn't answer his call. S told me i should go outside and call T back. i did. i went through my call log to the missed calls section and selected T's name. i hit the send button and waited for him to answer.he didn't, but C did. she asked me why i called her and not T. i got angry and tried to call T again. this time i called my house. i was never able to get through to T.

i had those dreams one night after another. i find it really strange that i told C about a dream i had in real life within a dream. i didn't know that was possible. i guess it is. i also feel that this is so indicative of my life. i don't think i will ever find out about T. how he felt about me, what he considers me now, what i did that makes him not want to talkt to me. i don't understand it. i guess i never will now. maybe that's what my dreams are telling me. T will always be present in my life in one way or another, but i will never know how he felt about me in his life.