December 2, 2007

sooo i have been really busy with finals so i have not been keeping up with this blog. I have been a bad web-parent. :(
anyways... on PS a bunch of us have been journaling our week... so im gonna take what i have written in there for the past few days, one entry per day to fill in for the week. enjoy!!!

December 2, 2007:
*Sunday, Bloody Sunday... except not really. that song came into my head when i realized what day it was*
so i have a major paper due for my US History class at 8 am tomorrow. am i going to write it any time soon? probably not. instead of starting it earlier i began decorating my dorm room/door with J. we printed out paper snowflake designs and made them glittery. meanwhile harry potter weekend was on "ABC family" so of course we were watching. what could be better? snowflakes and harry potter... well maybe if it were actually snowing outside instead of the stupid flurry nonsense that is going on. anyways, i found this amazing design for a snowflake that has snowmen and christmas trees as the holes. and did i make on of them? oh no, i made two. i told my friend E about it and it ended up with me making him one too! and it was quite fun. but yeah. i guess i should go start that paper now...

playing hookie

i didn't go to two of my classes today. it felt really good. i skipped one to write a paper and just didn't feel like going to another one. i had to go to the third to turn in the paper i started writing this morning instead of going to my first class.

im giving myself tonight. im going with J to a party, and her goal for the night is to find me a boy. this should be interesting. hopefully her endeavors will end better than mine have so far.

i was talking with S the other day online. we were talking about reincarnation and stuff like that. and i believe that. i don't know anything about what a past life may have been, but i wish i did. that would be really cool.

alright. that's about it. here's the song for the day "the tide" by spill canvas. go listen. its good.

unreplied

that is what i am. i am unreplied. unreplied text messages. unreplied emails. unreplied phone calls. unreplied looks. unreplied questions.

thats the conclusion i have come to.

'i hope you'll be there'

on PostSecret today i found a thread. it was started by iamyourbird and it was called: i hope you'll be there. and it hit me hard because this is what i have been trying to say for so long, but am afraid to tell you.

"now i have no way to contact you.you moved from your house you change our phone .you only exist in my mind .but in this place you ll live for ever

but one thing for sure keep your senses awake be receptive be and understandable as you always been with me
check around be open and don''t forget me

my only hope is that you ll read this
and that you ll understand"

do you get it now? do you understand how much i miss you? and i do, despite what you did, i miss you.

"i'm not crazy just a little unwell"

so i just took a color quiz. it was fun to see what happened. www.colorquiz.com

here's my results:
Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal.

Insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs reassurance and encouragement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but restless and inclined to be emotionally withdrawn, which prevents her from becoming deeply involved.

Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish herself and to make herself independent despite the difficulties of her situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition.

Afraid that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants and therefore demands that others should recognize her right to them.


funny, because it's for the most part true.

cheeze-its are yummy... but not enough for dinner

amazing weekend + awkward monday = my brain hurts

thats all i am saying about that.

okay, what is this nonsense of broadway stagehands being on strike? you have noooo idea how upsetting this is for me. i think i want to cry. well, not really, but you get the idea. at least not ALL of broadway is shut down... but mostly the good shows. its a good thing i dont have tickets for a show anytime soon...

i got my schedule for classes next semester. i got all the classes i wanted which was good. the only problem was that i didn't get the time for one of them, but the one i got is okay. just not part of my "perfect schedule". i miss high school where you had a counselor who worried about that kind of stuff for you. at least none of my classes were gone before i could sign up for them. (im trying to be more opptomistic with everything... and i mean everything).

okay... i really need to start my reading..... going away now....

...

so i was checking my email and i saw this article on the yahoo homepage:
'"How do I get over this person? My friends tell me that he was the wrong person for me, as we broke up numerous times in our year-long relationship. I really do love him and can't get him out of my mind. Every day something reminds me of him. I was kind of the one who asked, 'Are we calling it quits?' to which he replied, 'Since you brought the question up, yes.' He told me that he didn't want any more emails or calls from me, but I just can't resist sneaking in an email once in awhile.

"My head says to 'get over him' but my heart tells me I love him. How does one get over someone who you continue to love but who apparently does not love you back? How do I get on with my life and get him out of my mind? I've tried dating other people, but the dates are a complete failure because I would rather be with HIM." -- Elda T., 68, Venice, Florida

Tina B. Tessina, Ph. D. answers:
Dear Elda -- I'm so sorry you're suffering a loss. Friends are often very wise, and yours watched your ups and downs and saw that it wasn't a great fit. If you asked, "Are we calling it quits?" you also knew it wasn't working very well. It's time for head over heart. Every time you email or contact him, you reopen the wound and begin your grieving over again.
What you may not realize is that you're not in love with your ex; you're in love with your fantasy of your ex. You've taken every tiny good moment you remember, forgotten all the unpleasant ones, and created a gorgeous fantasy for yourself that no real man can live up to. That's not good for you, and doesn't make for a happy life. You may also be resisting letting him go because you've decided it means something bad about you -- that you weren't good enough for him. What's true is that he wasn't good for you.

Forgive yourself, forgive him, and put away all your dreams and mementos. Literally, box up everything that reminds you of him -- pictures, cards, letters, gifts -- and get them out of your sight. Spend time with your friends, and build a good life for yourself. Before you know it, you'll figure out what went wrong here; you'll open up to other men; and you'll be able to put this relationship in the category of "memory" and build a new one that's even better. As long as you learn and grow, you'll always get something better

ummmm... creepy. thats all i have to say.

somebody should sue disney...

so today on PostSecret (my favorite site ever) somebody under the name "nospaces" wrote this:

my prince charming ripped my heart out and took it with him to go love some witch who doesn't even know how good he is. he stomped me into the ground, degraded me and left me to rot. that was when the cutting began... i only wish i could tell him what he did to me, how he hurt me so. i wish i could walk right up to him and say "LOOK! these are the scars you've put on me, these are the scars that, while they look painful, can never compare to what you did to my heart!" i just wish i could tell him i still love him and that it breaks my heart everyday over and over again to see who he left me for, a girl who doesn't even know how good she has it, a girl who doesn't ever call him back, is crazy about him the way he is crazy about her.... i just wish he was mine again. i just wish he could leave so that i can find my prince charming once more... i feel so alone, and no one knows how depressed i truely am. i wish someone knew how i felt...

aside from the part of physical aspect of cutting, i completely feel how they felt. it may sound cheesy, but it touched me how they felt. i think it is because i know exactly what they went through.

that's my thought for today. oh, and swedish fish are really yummy.

two dreams

1. T was dead. he wasn't killed or anything, just dead. i was back in alexandria. somebody, i don't remember who, told me that T had died. this person was close to both of us. that is all i can remember of them. i started to cry once i knew what they were saying. i did not believe them at first. for a second i could hear T call my name. once i heard him say my name i knew he was dead. i could not stop crying. i wasn't upset because he was dead, i was crying because he would never be able to tell me how he felt about me. he never told anybody how he felt about me either. there was no way to know. i wouldn't stop cyring. none of my friends understood why i wasn't upset at him being dead. they just couldn't get it that i wanted to know more than anything, if he ever cared about me, if he really did consider me his best friend, if he ever loved me.

2. i went back to my old high school. my friends were there to. mainly S and C. i had told C about the dream where T was dead. i then told her about how afraid i was of never knowing how he felt about me. C told me to check my phone. when i did there was a missed call from T. i waned to call him back but i was afraid that he wouldn't answer because i didn't answer his call. S told me i should go outside and call T back. i did. i went through my call log to the missed calls section and selected T's name. i hit the send button and waited for him to answer.he didn't, but C did. she asked me why i called her and not T. i got angry and tried to call T again. this time i called my house. i was never able to get through to T.

i had those dreams one night after another. i find it really strange that i told C about a dream i had in real life within a dream. i didn't know that was possible. i guess it is. i also feel that this is so indicative of my life. i don't think i will ever find out about T. how he felt about me, what he considers me now, what i did that makes him not want to talkt to me. i don't understand it. i guess i never will now. maybe that's what my dreams are telling me. T will always be present in my life in one way or another, but i will never know how he felt about me in his life.

crazyness

i don't understand. i don't click? is that it? okay, fine. but you could at least talk to me. oh, but wait, you are mad at me stil. why? that's right. there isn't anywhere for your friends and alcohol to sleep tonight. but that has nothing to do with me. its you, and your selfishness, and immaturity. don't go and blame me. because i didn't do anything. oh, and i really am sick, i'm not faking it. i guess this is what happens when you kick somebody out of the group and don't feel the need to tell them. here's a tip: tell people, they won't be as mad.